It's been a while

I haven't been on here in ages and tonight I was thinking of and old friend and decided to check out his latest blog.........Very Good Mr RedBurtt. You never cease to amaze me.

I was looking back at some of the posts I had posted and it's been a while. A lot of things have changed since my last visit to the wonderful world of blogging. One of the things that I noticed that had changed the most was my outlook on life or maybe just my attitude. As I look back I feel that I had a much more positive attitude or outlook. I've always had to seem to work hard at keeping myself going and keeps my spirits high but it feels like somewhere along the way I lost the desire to do that. God only knows why. I know there's no Happiness Fairy who's going to stop by each night and sprinkle Happiness Dust on me or anyone else. I also know as well as as everyone else that you are responsible for creating your own happiness and if you don't there ain't no one out there who's gonna do it for you! I wouldn't say I'm sad though. I just feel tired or that I'm just existing. It could have something to do with the fact that I've been sick for the past two years and feel like my life has been on hold. I've spent two years going from doctor to doctor to doctor. I guess that can be draining.....but you know what.....I'm sick of it.....It's long past the time for me to get a grip. I'm glad I've put some of life's little journey to words so I can go back and give myself a kick in the ass when I need one.

Most Wonderful Time

I don't know why it is that at Christmas-time they say "It's the most wonderful time of the year". I think right now is a pretty good time of the year. At least it is here in Massachusetts. Even the folks who go to Florida for the winter are starting to come back home now. It's so beautiful. It's not so hot that your clothes stick to you and it's not so cold that you have to be all bundled up in coats and gloves. You can wake up in the morning with a little chill that's just enough to wrap yourself in your blankets and feel cozy. You can get up in the morning and not dread going out into the freezing cold or overwhelming heat. The part that I really like is when I leave for work in the morning. When I walk out my front door I have the view of a big swamp in front of me and a pond to the left. I'm getting anxious because it won't be long before the lily pads start growing in the swamp. I don't know why but I've always had a fascination with lily pads. They just seem to make me happy. In the pond we have ducks, geese and last year we had 2 swans. This year there is only one swan. I did see two of them one day though. I guess swans are pretty mean but when I see them swimming around in the pond in the morning it's a real peaceful feeling. I think I could just stand there and watch the swans, ducks and geese all day. Unfortunately I can't though, somebody has to go to work and that would be me. I don't know what it is about water that has such a calming affect on the body or the mind. I love to watch the ocean and hear the tide crashing in and out. My swamp and pond don't crash in and out, they just glisten. When I go out I see all the flowers that are just starting to bloom. Right now the daffodils are blooming. Daffodils are another thing that make me happy. I think it might be that everything is fresh and new. Maybe it's just the fact that a new season is starting, after all there is nothing as fresh and new as the first snow fall. Either way, in my mind, right here, right now is the most wonderful time of the year.

So Far So Good

Well..... it's been 16 days since I've had a cigarette. So far I seem to be doing well. I did use something called "Smoke Away" which is a vitamain supplement as opposed to a nicotine patch or something like that. I was amazed at how well it worked. I really thought that I did want to succeed at quitting and thought that I might have the conviction to do it but never thought I would quit with such ease. Yes, I still have times when I get the urge to have one but I haven't. I just can't believe how well it helped with withdrawal symptoms. I had none. I wasn't aggitated, aggravated or stressed. To top it all off it helped my fingernails grow. I don't really think I need it anymore but I'm considering buying some more just because I like the way it makes me feel....calm and healthy. The "Smoke Away" comes with a Quit Help CD. It's not a hypnosis tape just reinforcement. I've been listening to that too and that seems to help.

I hope I'm not jinxing myself because the tape says not to tell people you quit for a month. I'm only up to two weeks and 2 days. I'm feeling pretty good about it and hoping that I will keep up the good work. I've only spent a short time with one of my smoking buddies and seemed to handle that OK

Now that the "Smoke Away" is just about gone I am noticing that I'm starting to cough. I wasn't doing that until now and was surprised. I guess all that junk in my lungs has to come off somehow. It is winter in New England though and the weather is wacky as ever so who knows, I could be getting a cold. All I know is that for now I'm pleased with my progress...So Far So Good!

Count Down

By the time I finish writing this is will be Sunday, November 13, 2005. With any luck in four more days, on November 17th, the new improved me will emerge. At least I hope the new improved me will emerge. You see, November 17, 2005 is the Great American Smoke Out. I've been having a rough year health wise and decided that quitting smoking is in order.....in addition to a lot of other lifestyle changes.

I've been smoking since I was 13 years old. Yes, I quit smoking while I was pregnant and I've quit several times over the years but always seem to start back up again. The last time I quit smoking and restarted wasn't even because I wanted to start. I started smoking again out of spite. My ex husband #2 is the ex-husband from hell. For a good part of our marriage he was just the husband from hell. Anyway, I had quit smoking for 3 years. He didn't smoke and never liked me smoking. Needless to say he pissed me off so bad one day that I started smoking again just to piss him off. Well it did but in the long run I was the one who paid for it. It's probably been 11 years since I quit smoking and my stress level has been such that quitting wasn't an option without ripping someone's head off.

There's probably a good chance that when I try to quit on the 17th that I might actually rip someone's head off still but I guess that's the chance I have to take. I'm hoping that I can muster up enough willpower to follow through. You would think that feeling like crap and not being able to breathe would be enough incentive to quit. The fact that my father passed away this year from a massive heart attack might help too. I sure hope so. Not that I don't love my dad, but I'm just not ready to visit with him just yet.

I'm tired of being the only smoker in certain circles but then I have friends and family who smoke and when I'm with them I'm in a comfort zone , even if it's not politically correct. I'm now going to be in an uncomfortable zone when I'm with my smoking buddies. I'm hoping I can overcome that in time.

Smoking is such a strong addiction. It used to be that when you picked up the phone or had a cocktail you felt the urge to have a butt. Now I find myself wanting a butt no matter what I do. I've known for along time that I feel like crap as a result of smoking. I just can't stop or something stresses me out and out come the butts. I think I've resigned myself to the fact that stress is always going to be part of my life. I'm going to have to find a way to deal with that though.

I remember when I quit before that one of the worst side effects was trying to find something to replace the motion of smoking. I'm not artsy crafty so knitting or something like that isn't an option. The last thing I want to do is replace cigarettes with food. I can't afford to gain any weight, so in addition to quitting smoking I'm also going to faced with sticking to a diet at the same time. I'm a diabetic too, with wacked out blood sugar levels, so food can not be my replacement. Needless to say I'm in search of alternative activities.

I also wonder if there's a way I can put my kids in a plastic bubble until I can get a grip on the new me, or at least my two youngest kids. My oldest son isn't here to bug me. He's busy being a new dad which is another good reason for me to quit. I really don't want to be smoking around my new grandson. My youngest two sons are much younger than him, one teenager and one pre-teenager. They like to argue and they're very good at it. Unfortunately for me it sometimes pushes me over the edge....on a good day.

Willpower hasn't been one of my strong points for a couple of years. The other day as I was getting ready for work I saw Oprah on Good Morning America. She said that she finally realized that her weight problem was the fact that she wasn't in balance. I sort of have to agree with her but not only when it comes to weight but when it comes down to your whole life in general. I think I can honestly say without a doubt that my life is out of balance. So I guess in actuality what I am attempting to do is to put my life back in balance. I can only imagine how good it must feel to be in balance. I can also only imagine how hard it is going to be to do it. It's too bad that you can't just put rocks in your pocket or something to put you back into balance and in harmony with the world.

I'm reading my daily quit tip emails, trying to find my smoking triggers and trying to come up with creative ideas of what to do with my hands instead of grabbing for a butt and stocking up of healthy snacking food. I sure hope I can get through this without losing my grip.....sooooo........Let The Count Down Begin!!!

Pagophagia

Pagophagia you say! What the heck is that? Well, I recently found out what it is. It's the medical term for "craving ice". No, I'm not a doctor, far from it. I do like to surf the web though.

I've been feeling a little crappy lately. One thing I noticed is I can't get enough ice. I can go thru a bag of ice in 2 nights. I like ice. Any bartender will tell you the key to a good drink is all in the ice. I don't really drink much though....but for some strange reason I have been craving ice. I can't get enough.

Anyway, because I've been feeling crappy and I developed this ice craving I thought I'd try google searching ice craving. I never though I'd actually find out that there is a term for it. Not only is there a term for it but it is caused by an Iron Deficiency. Who would have thought!

Well, you know you can't always believe everything you read on the web. I recently had to have some bloodwork done. I asked my doctor if he would add and iron test to the list. When I went to the lab, my doctor had sent in a request for lab work but didn't fill in the section as to what tests to do. Luckily I was having a repeat of labwork that was done a couple of weeks ago. I told the lab technician this and that the doctor was doing the same test plus an iron test. They did my test and added the iron test.

I went to the doctors today and they hadn't received my test results yet. He was kind enough to call for them. I mentioned the little snafu to him and he said why were we testing your iron? I told him about my websearch and had my Pagophagia printout in hand. Wouldn't you know my iron level was low. He was a little amazed and happy to learn something new. I was just happy to know that was part of the cause of my crappy feeling.....of course being right always feels nice too.

So, I'm sitting here chomping on my ice before I go to the drug store and get some iron tablets tomorrow. I'm still having a hard time believing that my iron test actually came out low. According to the web, ice craving is part of of a condition called Pica. Pica is the craving for substances not fit as food like chewing on paper or clay (yuck). Fortunately for me I don't have that form of pica and the specific term for ice craving has it's own specific term "Pagophagia".

How strange is that?

Lost in a Blog Hole

Well, this is going to be my third attempt at trying to create this blog.

I don't know what I keep doing wrong but I spent 2 weekend nights pouring out my heart and soul and BAM.....gone in a flash.

I don't consider myself a stupid person or a rocket scientist, just somewhere in between. I think the majority of my knowledge on just about every subject has been self taught. I guess this is just another one of those things that is going to take some time. I suppose like everything else, the more you practice the better you get, but as I look through some of the blogs on here by young children I feel like a total idiot.

I have no idea why I can't create a different blog title name and can only post to existing blogs. When I try to do that it's like I'm trying to create a new blog address. All I want to do is create a new blog that doesn't fall under the heading of Test...even thought in this case, that's exactly what this is.

So that's problem number one. Then we come to problem number two. I say the heck with the individual blog title and try to create a post. The first time I decided I would try to save as a draft. I was thinking that since it was the crack of dawn and my brain may have been a little foggy that I could go back later and check to be sure that what I wrote was what I was actually trying to say. It sounded logical so I hit the save as a draft and taadaa...gone without a trace. I searched for hours trying to find it or recapture it but poof...it's gone.

You know what they say...if at first you don't succeed try try again. Hey it's the weekend, what else do I have to do on a rainy weekend in the middle of the night besides sleep or housework? Sleeping doesn't seem to be in my vocabulary these days and I don't think my neighbors would like to hear me running my vacuum cleaner in the middle of the night. I guess it's time to try try again.

My first attempt was so much more wity with lots of plays on words. I was so proud of myself. I tried to say the same thing but being in a different frame of mind that night it was a little different and with less humor. After all, there was a chance that I would mess it up again and it would get lost in space, but if you don't try you'll never know if you'll succeed. I wasn't sure where my brain would take me so I figured I'd save the title for last. Very carefully I wrote my next blog. I finally finished and re-read it several times. I didn't want to hit draft and lose it again so I figured I'd make sure it was right and hit publish this time. Well....I finished and no sooner did I hit publish than I remembered that I forgot to put a title in it. Here we go again, another blog lost in a blog hole. I tried to click on recover post and a million other things but nothing worked!

So here I go again. I'm in Posting, Create, Compose, I've titled my blog and hopefully checked my verbage. My only options now are to Save as a Draft or Publish Post. I'm hoping that Publish Post will do what it says but I don't know! If this ends up in space somewhere and someone happens to see it please try and post a comment. Maybe if I get it I can find out where it went. Wish me luck....here goes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Old Dogs

So just who was it who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks? There's plenty of old dogs out there eager to learn new tricks. They're also eager to pass on their new tricks, or share their new found wisdom, or lessons learned to the pups.

Sometimes pups don't think they can learn anything from and old dog. They'd rather learn on their own and make their own mistakes. After all, times have changed. What can an old dog know that would contribute in todays society?

Sometimes old dogs don't want to learn any new tricks or get frustrated trying to learn new tricks. In some cases an old dog can become more patient, especially in dealing with the pups who think they know it all. Does anyone ever know it all? You're never to old to increase your knowledge. It keeps your mind sharp and fresh. It keeps you going. It makes you interesting.

One day the pup will find that they are the old dog. When they do they will have a better understanding of just how much those old dogs had to contribute...if they only took the time to listen. They'll understand that the old dogs weren't just sitting idly by. They'll realize that they are not only filled with the keys to the past but with wisdom that has stood the test of time and grows bigger with each passing day.

To all the old dogs I've know....Thank You! I haven't learned it all yet but the light bulb is going on in my head!